A Love You Deserve

Notes: Kind of an odd selection of characters but oh well. I’m also annotating/re-reading The Song of Achilles, so I’m extra hurt today.

Summary: You deserve better than them, and they know it.

Warning/s: Cursing and some violence on Scaramouche’s part as well as implied toxic relationship and stalking. Lore spoilers?

Theme/s: Angst no comfort, breakup no comfort, finding self worth.

Character/s: Diluc, Kaeya, Thoma, Scaramouche

Diluc

You weren’t the impatient type, nor the confrontational type of lover. In fact, you were the opposite and it seemed as though you were the perfect match for Diluc. Diluc, stand-offish and mostly closed off, found peace in your reserved nature- never once asking him about his past and why he acted so distant from time to time. You had your own concerns for him, the usual worry one has for someone they love, and you never dared to ask him anything too personal. He gave you a look sometimes that made you watch if you’re overstepping boundaries. You thought that since you had an intimate relationship with Diluc, you had special treatment when it comes to getting close to him emotionally. But time and time again, he always found a way to divert conversations and make it difficult for you to try and connect with him emotionally. You knew that the Young Master was distant, just not to this extent when he would keep his own lover away from him. Emotionally at least. You tried your best to be understanding and even made it so that you would be transparent with Diluc to encourage him to connect with you, but even in that he cannot do. Whenever you would voice out some small complaints about your day or ask him to listen to you vent for a while, he would often tell you of his own troubles and refuse to talk about it when you would ask- giving you no space to talk or even listen. It almost seemed to you that Diluc’s goal was to bleed out every drop of mental energy you had until you two would be completely exhausted. And you were. Today was a particularly bad day for you and you needed to get things off your chest as you asked Diluc for some comfort and reassurance while you two ate. Instead, what you got was:

“I’m sorry, Y/N. “ Diluc says as he turns his head away from you. “I don’t have the energy to talk about this right now.” He finishes his food and prepares to go out into the night as the Darknight Hero. You stay silent. You don’t know what to say to him anymore- every comfort, every reassurance, now feels stale and meaningless with the amount of times you tried again and again to give Diluc the comfort he craved. He couldn’t do the same for you- though that even he would be forgiving enough to spare you some knowledge about himself. You didn’t know what to do anymore. You were tired.

“I see…” Was all you said, shoulders slumping down as Diluc notices and tries to reach for you from across the table.

“I wish I could be better for you,” he says with a sigh. “You deserve more.” You’ve heard this a thousand times before. It felt like an impulse to him now that you’re hearing it again. You felt your teeth grit and pulled your fist away from Diluc’s reaching hands. He looks at you surprised, even more so when he sees your expression. You brows furrowed and jaw tight, knuckles paling as your hands gripped itself tightly.

“Why aren’t you?” You snapped. “You told me this countless of times before. Why hasn’t anything happened yet?” Diluc was dumbfounded by this. You were serious, most of all fuming with how your chest rose and fell with your breaths. Tears stung your eyes, not from sadness, you were way past that point of disappointment, but from anger. Your patience for him has run dry and you need to at least once voice your own concerns.

“I… I’m sorry?” Diluc asks incredulously, his torso leaning forward as if trying to make sure he heard you right. You lean back and bite back the urge of wanting to scream.

“Why aren’t you better then, huh? You always, always promise me things even you know you can never keep. I’m so, so tired of this, Diluc. I understood you at first but now it feels like you can’t even have the sympathy to try and understand me. It’s so frustrating whatever this is.” It was the first time Diluc has seen you so assertive, so angry, at him of all people. Sure, he’s seen you annoyed at little things and impatient with some, but this new sight to behold both scared and intrigued him. “I’m done, Diluc. We’re done.” You stood when Diluc couldn’t give you an answer, his mouth hanging in shock still. You began to walk away when Diluc followed to stop you. He was panicking, afraid, not sure of what to do.

“Y/N, please, let’s talk about this.” He says, his voice silent and unsteady, tugging you back to sit with him on the table. It almost made you want to sit down. Only almost. Before, it had always been you asking him for a sit down and a serious conversation, asking for apologies, asking for what’s wrong. It always ended the same with him leaving to dismiss you and making it up with gifts instead of his time. You were drained of your energy of constantly having to adjust with his mood swings and lack of emotional understanding for you. You wanted him to be better, but it seemed to you that he never wanted that for himself.

“We have nothing to talk about, you had your chance before.” you say, grabbing a coat and throwing your coat over your shoulders as you see Diluc frozen in the middle of the room. “I do deserve better.” With a gentle shut to the door of Dawn Winery, Diluc was once again left alone in the dark, hopeless and helpless against the void of his loneliness. He looks around his surroundings confused, as if he’s been in a place he’s never been in before. Diluc let reality subdue him as he sits back down on the table and exhales in exhaustion. His head hurt and shoulders trembled as he wept silently.

It seems that he always finds a way to ruin things for him. He couldn’t blame you. Maybe he was just meant to be alone.

Kaeya

Kaeya watched you from afar, mingling with others, smiling wider than he had ever seen, and laughing louder than he had ever heard. When he was with you at least, he never thought he’d see you so happy. Now, your arms were around someone else, the source of your joy coming from someone that isn’t him. Kaeya left you a while ago- chalking it up to how he needed to focus on his work, himself, and the typical ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ reason. He said all of this grinning- nervous of your answer, anticipating that you would take him back. He was more astonished when you only nodded, said something to him, and left. In truth, you felt as though you were only there to be Kaeya’s comfort, a therapist. He would tell you of his troubles and in a snap, he would be back to his suave self, a switch so fast that you didn’t know which side of Kaeya you would believe in. Whenever you attempted to talk to him seriously about it, he would brush you off and say you’re being delusional. When Kaeya noticed how concerned you were about him, he went into a panic and immediately tried to stay away from you in the only way he knew how- breaking off your relationship before it had barely started. It was only when you agreed that you noticed how tired you were of his push and pull, his cycle of wanting you and denial of the fact that he does.

The last words you had ever said to him were, “Kaeya, I want you to get better, I do. I just don’t think we’re the right people for each other right now.” When you said it, it seemed as though the rest of the world blurred- your face distorted and fading that Kaeya finally realized he was crying. He knew you always wanted the best for him, even now you do, but he can’t even seem to follow it. As much as he loves you, and as much as he wants to be better for you, he doesn’t have the strength if you weren’t there to be it. “Take care of yourself.”

You never looked at him with disdain. Kaeya wished you did- to replace that look of pity on your face each time you saw him drink his problems away. He wasn’t your problem anymore, but why do you seem to care for him still? When you two were together, it was all you did for him, and now, you still do. Maybe Kaeya was holding onto the hope that you atleast carried some form of care you did when he had you by his side. He seeked for it, seeked for you, in those hours he cannot lift his head from the alcohol, craving your soothing words warbled in his drunken state. You’re so sympathetic, always trying to understand what troubled Kaeya and tried to help him without actually being there one to fix it. You always told him that you’re supportive, but he needed to be the one to take action. He needed you now more than ever. But you weren’t there to be with him right now. You were at home, mind free of any worries as you slept with your lover. He needed to accept the fact that you were no longer with him, and Archons did it hit him hard.

Some nights he would lie awake, expecting you to appear beside him, arms around his torso while his are around your waist. On times when his drinking was particularly bad, Rosaria and Diluc could hear the faintest whisper of your name from his lips, like an enchantment, a plea, a call. On days when he would be cooped up in his quarters would he feel your phantom hold- a gentle caress of his cheek or the tender kiss of your lips- on his skin when his mind is overloaded with work. But you weren’t there. You shared all of these things with someone new, and Kaeya seethed at the thought as well as the sight of it.

Kaeya caught you two one time, in the middle of the streets of Mondstadt. You and your lover slow dancing to tunes that were muffled through the walls of Angel’s Share, your figures silhouetted by the gentle glow of the street lamps. It was an action even he was too afraid of doing behind the walls of your home. From a distance, Kaeya could see how happy you were, how carefree. You had never looked that joyful when you were with him. It was clear you were in love- and loved by someone you deserved- to a person far better than he could have been. Kaeya felt himself growing hot with anger and envy as he watched your new lover hold you so close where he had kept you at a distance. When your lover would laugh with you, share these memories with you, he had wasted his chances with his hangovers and vent sessions that ended nowhere. He balled his fists when he saw how you two stared at each other so lovingly where he had averted his gaze when you tried to look past his walls. He shouldn’t be feeling jealousy, he wasn’t the type to be that way, but seeing you look so… happy and in love of all things while his heart still shattered at the thought of you made him want to drink till the day’s end. To march over to where you two were and break it off, sending you home and feeling triumphant of himself. You would hate him maybe, or he’d make you mad, and the thought of you feeling anything but sympathy towards him made Kaeya’s stomach turn. When one of his knights asked what they should do, Kaeya could only force himself to look away so as to not bring any more heartache to his chest.

“Let’s leave them be.” He says, dismissing the Knight as he too begins to walk away. Kaeya wanted to distance himself from you, to finally be free of you. It was clear you were from him. You were happy without him, it seems. The least he could do was to not ruin you any more than he has; at least you were finally happy.

Thoma

You loved Thoma deeply and he returned it as much as he could. Sometimes however, it was hard to not feel loved by him. He tried his best, he really did, to give you his time as best as he could, and you admired how hardworking and reliable he was, but something about his loyalty swayed differently. Thoma was undoubtedly loyal to you, but it seemed that you were just less important than the people he worked for. You were understanding at first, seeing how important his job was to keep the Kamisato Estate in upkeep as well as do several ‘errands’ around Inazuma and for the Yashiro Commission. It was a respectable job that earned Thoma the same amount of respect from the Inazuman citizens and you. You always listened to how important his job was, how much he respected the Yashiro Commission and the Kamisato Siblings for giving him the opportunity to have such an important job. You listened with admiration, proud of your lover for being so diligent, helpful and kind.

It was true that Thoma was head-over-heels in love with you, but it was sometimes difficult to see it that way. As much as Thoma tried to promise you things, it always ended with “I’ll make it up to you.” or “Maybe next time, Y/N.” as he hurried off to do his daily rounds around the city. Each time, you only nodded and wished him a good day, to do his best while you were left alone for hours and hours until the next day where the same would happen again. Dates sometimes involve you being dragged in to help him with something or Thoma just talking about his work. You listened always, never once voicing anything out until it bubbled and bubbled and bubbled. You felt jealous of the couples that walked around Inazuma sometimes- hand in hand, talking about regular things about their day or planning upcoming dates- while you sat alone when Thoma rushed off to fulfill some other task.

Truthfully, Thoma felt bad leaving you by yourself all the time. He tried to fit you and him in his always changing routine, but he can’t help it. His schedule was too busy and there were too many important things to do right now… and you slowly thought that maybe you weren’t as important as those things.

“I’ll be back soon, okay Y/N?” Thoma says as he plants a soft kiss on your forehead before he goes back into the Kamisato Estate, one of your many dates cut short again. You only hang your head low and nod. Thoma notices and hesitantly walks back to you. “Hey? You okay?”

“No…” You mumble, finally feeling the frustration you kept in after all this time. “We need to talk about our relationship.” You felt guilty. You knew that Thoma tried his absolute best to make up for the things he missed, dates ended too early, and time spent away- but now it felt as though he only made up the little things because he knew it was the best way to make you stay. Thoma’s expression fell as he looked behind him and back at you.

“Is it okay if we talk about this later?” He says. “I promise I’ll make it up-” You cut him off when you look up at him and Thoma stops, eyes wide and fearful.

“My god, Thoma. Will it always be like this? You’re saying you’ll make it up and I just have to put up with it until you don’t? The least you could do is to stay right now and listen.” You felt helpless, but hopeful, pleading, begging that he will try again, that you can try again with him. But small sounds only came from Thoma’s mouth as you nodded and looked away. His answer was clear. “So I guess this is it.” Only then did Thoma snap back into reality.

“It’s okay, I can fix this Y/N, I can fix us, just let me…” Thoma stumbled over his words, hands flailing about as his eyes looked everywhere but at you. It was more of a comfort to himself than you, a denial that this moment right now was happening. “Let’s… let’s start over, yeah? We can, I can, do better. Please, please-“ you cut him off. It was too hard to see him so desperate to try and fix something he knows he cannot. He stares at you now, wide eyes, pleading for a second chance- hoping you’ll change your mind. It breaks your heart to watch him look so hopeless.

“Thoma… there was nothing to fix about us, it’s just not working.” You said, adamant as Thoma could only shake his head in protest. “Don’t make this any harder than it needs to be. We have different priorities, it looks like, and I can understand if that isn’t me right now.” When you walk away, Thoma, in a final attempt to rebuild what you two never had, grabs your hand and presses his lips onto your knuckles. You feel his warm tears on your skin and his mouth moving rhythmically saying, please, please, please. Your heart clenches as your hand tightens around Thoma’s. It was the first time you’ve ever seen him so distraught, and the hurt only intensified when you knew that it was because of you. You were so compelled to turn around, to make up and try again, but you were tired. Tired of having to keep up with him and his rigorous schedule, his loyalty bound to another, and the many excuses that by now became something so common. So you pull your hand away, never looking back as Thoma could do nothing but cry and watch you leave through a blur of tears.

For the first time in a while, a sort of weight has been lifted off your chest and you could breathe. As horrible as it sounded, as terrible as it was to have Thoma heartbroken over you, It felt liberating- but Thoma had never felt more heartache in his life.

“Y/N, I don’t want it to be over.”

Scaramouche (kindoff a bittersweet end)

You unwillingly had to stay by Scaramouche’s side. You entertained him and he decided to keep you in his posse, and you had no choice but to follow. It felt okay at first to be by the side of the Balladeer- he kept you safe, had his subordinates watch over you in his place, and appreciated your company. But you knew better- Scaramouche was a master manipulator and you were one of many subject to his deceit. You weren’t spared to his berating and sharp words, though yours were less harsh, but Scaramouche did everything in his power to have you depend on him. He’d instill fear into you, make sure you’re coddled by him, always watching to have him know what you’re doing, where you are, if you’re planning on escaping.

This isn’t healthy, you’d think as Scaramouche would shower you with some affections from time to time to make sure you didn’t totally fear him. You were wise to not fall for this as the fatui could only watch in pity as you stared at them helplessly while Scaramouche went on his many verbal tirades throughout the day. I need to leave, you’d think as you spent your days and nights by his side, sometimes not allowed to go out or just in the corner when Scaramouche is in a particularly bad mood. You were at your wits end each day, counting down the seconds to when the next time Scaramouche would blow up. You walked on eggshells, knowing how capable he was of killing you whenever he wanted. You weren’t on his bad side, but you weren’t on his good side either. I need to leave, I need to leave, I need to leave.

One day, you entered Scaramouche’s tent as you and his crew landed in some part of Teyvat for an assignment. You wanted to explore the world, see new places and hope that Scaramouche could let you go. Knowing him, you know that it would be a challenge. Even the suggestion that you would leave his side made Scaramouche irritated.

“Who gave you the idea that you could leave me?”

“I’m leaving you, Scara.” You say forcefully, but hearing your little pet name for him in this way only made Scaramouche feel insulted. He doesn’t answer, only staring down at his desk while you feel the tense atmosphere begin to surround you both. “Did you hear me?”

“Oh, I heard you.” He says, eyes filled with malice as he sauntered over to where you stand. You’re afraid, terribly afraid, knowing well he could easily hurt you or kill you if he wanted. But a part of you wished for it; at least then, you had a reason to be free of him.

“Then it’s settled. Goodbye.” You begin to walk away until Scaramouche grabs your wrist and forcefully pulls you back to face him. His pale cheeks were red, teeth barred like a rabid dog and eyes shining with fury. You begin to tremble, but you do not show your fear. You know well how Scaramouche plays into people’s weaknesses.

“You don’t fucking do this to me!” He yells, pointing a finger at you. Scaramouche will not be disrespected in this way but you stand your ground and never waver. Even in his anger, in his terrifying storms of emotional outbursts, both of you know that you are always right.

“Who do you think you are? You won’t survive out there without me.” He seethes. Internally, he’s furious; a rampant rage coupled with the hurt of betrayal from you. But Scaramouche knows more than anyone that you deserve better than he. You were kind to him, even when he knows you were afraid. You were patient, best of all compliant. He never expected you to have the strength to leave him. He always thought to himself that if you leave, a crushing wave of loneliness and deceit will torment him for the future to come. So he kept you by his side to the best of his ability, even if it meant you had to fear him. It was the only way he knew how. You were his comfort, his release, and if you leave, Scaramouche would return to his self-conflicts of hatred. Even you knew that well.

“Tell me, who the fuck do you think you are to be doing this to me?” He asks. Notice a moment of vulnerability slip up in his voice. Your gaze softens as you step forward, freeing your wrist away from his wringing grip, tight enough to leave a bruise. You were tired, exhausted even, of having to deal with this. Even if you knew he’s acting out of irrational thoughts, you had to preserve your worth. You needed to leave.

“I’m Y/N,” you said simply, like an introduction to the first day you had met, a reminder to him of who you are. “And I’m leaving you.” You didn’t give Scaramouche the time to answer as you turned and fled away from him. You didn’t know where you’re going or where you’re running to, but in that moment, as your feet hit the soft earth away from the makeshift tent of those Fatui, you felt dauntless. You ran for hours that day, laughing and crying as you watched the sunset beyond the horizon, almost forgetting how beautiful the world could be. You thought that this would be the only day that you could truly be free- Scaramouche may send Fatui to hunt you, claim you again, and make you pay for humiliating him. But after a few years passed, you’ve never once had a run in with the fatui nor did any of them ever try to get near you. But you put your guard up, never once trusting the fact that Scaramouche would favor you with peace. Little did you know that Scaramouche had already found you long ago, but he never tried to take you back nor command anyone to do so. He only watched from afar, in pain and satisfaction, to know that even if you are aware you are free, you could never truly be free of him.