Shadowed Rationale II

Characters: Kaeya, Xiao, Zhongli, gn!reader

Word Count: 5,057

Warnings: Swearing, depiction of a panic attack

Premise: Some things aren’t terribly rational. And some responses are even less so. But what other option is there? Revealing yourself can be a terribly embarrassing thing, isn’t it better to hide it?

In which the reader is afraid of the dark.

Author’s Note: Two of these scenarios were a little more open ended than I usually go for. I’m a bit obsessed with the idea of a complete story, so writing something a bit vague is sometimes daunting. I hope it was still a satisfying read at least. Also ignore the fact I made all the lamps in Wangshu Inn black out despite them not requiring electricity. Those darn spirits am I right. Also I made up some lore again.

Next week I will be returning to requests! I hope you enjoyed this interlude and thank you for your support.

Kaeya

• Since you’d worked as a member of the Knights of Favonius for a long time it wasn’t surprising that Kaeya knew about you fear of the dark.
• Even before you two had begun your relationship you were going on expeditions, missions, and scouting routines. You couldn’t very well serve to your full potential unless every member of your team knew what made you uncomfortable. Although it was a bit embarrassing you weren’t really ashamed of it. Although you certainly felt self-conscious during and after a particular patch of anxiety or panic.
• Kaeya had never looked down on you for it, and since you two had started your relationship he’d become even more thoughtful, doting on you to such an extent you sometimes forgot about the situation, too busy blushing over his words and his gestures to pay attention to the encroaching shadows around you.
• Unfortunately that didn’t always work.
• This commission was already shaping up to be a bit of a difficult one. The Knights had managed to find one of the domains in which the Abyss Order congregated, and you and Kaeya had been sent to clear it out.
• You enjoyed your expeditions with Kaeya, enjoyed your expeditions in general. Although as a rule you weren’t the biggest fan of violence, there was something freeing about combat, about pushing yourself to the limits and seeing how far you could go. You knew Kaeya felt the same way, although perhaps to a heightened extent. It was what made you as a team work so well together.
• The entrance to the Domain was a small little crack in the wall of a mountain. Normally domains emitted an airy sort of light, the marker of the magic that resounded within. This one however seemed the exact opposite. Rather than emitting light it seemed to consume it, and you had the peculiar sensation that you were looking into the true Abyss. Of course that was ridiculous, but still you felt your pulse heighten slightly, and a familiar fear began creeping into your consciousness.
• Kaeya evidently noticed the anomaly as well. Glancing towards you he flashed a confident smile. “Seems like this one is going to be a bit of a challenge. You up to it?” The worst were light and airy, brimming with confidence, but there was something else behind them. He was giving you a way out, as he always did when he knew you were going to be confronting something supremely uncomfortable. It made your heart swell, but as always you shook your head.
• “I’m ready when you are.”
• “That’s my brave and true comrade!” Kaeya exclaimed, before walking over towards where you were standing. Cupping your cheek he pressed his forehead against yours. “I’ll be there every step of the way. I promise I’ll keep the dark at bay.”
• “Thank you,” you murmured, smiling softly, “I’ll be fine knowing you’re there.”
• “We’re going quite domestic you know.” Kaeya smirked, drawing back and stepping back towards the opening. You rolled your eyes, shaking your head.
• “You’re the one always going on about knights in shining armor.”
• “Well that’s because I am one,” Kaeya retorted, “I am the knight that will scare the dark away.”
• “Whatever you say, o brave knight!” You replied, before opening the crack and stepping through the gate.
• Although you were expecting the hideout to be dim you weren’t prepared for the sheer darkness that enveloped you. Immediately your heart rate went through the roof, and you found yourself screeching to a halt. This was the darkest place you’d ever been in, darker than even the caverns of Dragonspine at nighttime. It was an oppressive sort of darkness, the kind that seemed to be sentient, watching, waiting to strike when you least expected it.
• You felt Kaeya’s presence soon after, though you couldn’t make him out. As soon as Kaeya processed the situation he let out a string of curses.
• “Shit, they must’ve been made aware we were coming after them. We’ll have to be careful.”
• “Did… did Acting Grand Master Jean say if there were any other knights involved in this mission?” You whispered, unable to keep a tremble out of your voice. You groped around in the dark for Kaeya’s hand, wishing you could see the landscape in front of you. Kaeya quickly realized what you were attempting, and soon you found one of your hands intertwined with his.
• “There’ll be a few waves.” He whispered back to you, pulling you in closer to him as best he could. “It’ll be alright, I promise. We’ve just got to outwit these bastards for the time being.”
• You nodded, not that he could see you, but it was the thought that counted. Squeezing his hands as a sign you were ready you grounded yourself with the sound of his breathing before facing forward once more. You’d get through this. No matter what, you’d get through it.
• Thank the Seven for your geo vision, you thought. Although it wouldn’t emit light in the way a pyro vision would, the glow from the minerals you summoned would be enough for the time being. Kaeya unfortunately was stuck in the predicament of being blessed with an elemental magic focus on refraction rather that emission of light. He’d played it off, but you could tell he was also on edge, muttering this was the one time in his life he was truly envious of his brother. Evidently you weren’t the only one disarmed by the situation you were in.
• Not that you yourself were doing great. Although you were the one in charge of making sure the two of you didn’t fall to your deaths you still lagged behind Kaeya, kept on your feet only by the low flow of conversation he whispered to you. Everywhere you seemed to see enemies, and when you two actually met the Abyss mages, their shields casting eerie shadows on the walls of the ruined domains, your reactions were slowed, dulled by the static that was creeping into your mind. More than once you found yourself cursing your luck, and more than once you were saved from a nasty injury only by Kaeya’s faster reflexes.
• “So much for helping you.” You murmured after the third encounter. Although it was still terribly dark you could make out the expression on his face by the light of your elemental magic. It was one of incredulity.
• “Of course you’re helping!” He replied, raising his voice slightly so it echoed faintly off the walls. “My dearest you cannot be serious saying you aren’t any help. If it weren’t for you I would’ve died plenty of times, as I can barely see five steps in front of me as it is!”
• “But that’s for my vision, not for me. I’m just dragging you down.” You replied. Even now you could feel the ice running through your veins, as you glanced around for the sign of another life form. “I’m a mess, I can’t fight, I keep seeing… things.” You shook your head slightly, though your eyes continued to scan around you. “How is that helping?” You couldn’t even look Kaeya in the face, so focused were you on the surrounding darkness.
• “Hey, hey, please look at me.” You forced your gaze to focus on Kaeya. His face was deadly serious and there was no humor in his eyes. “You are simply in a position that frightens you right now. Those exist for everyone. And on top of that you’re helping way more than simply acting as a lantern. Even if you’re a bit slow your reflexes are still trained to an impeccable degree. If it weren’t for you I couldn’t dream of taking on the Abyss Mages by myself. So I don’t want to hear you continually talking yourself down. Even if you’re just speaking out of fear, I hate seeing you beat yourself up like this. Okay?”
• “Alright.” You replied, swallowing. Kaeya always knew what to say. Even as part of your brain hissed at you how cheesy and placid those words were you felt yourself slow down slightly. Such was the trust you placed in him. If it were Kaeya saying those words, then you knew all would be well.
• “Good.” Kaeya’s smile returned. He reached out his hand towards you, which you took gladly. “You’re not a burden, I promise. And you’re going to get through this just fine.”
• “I don’t deserve your praise.” You let out a huff of embarrassed laughter, anxiety still fighting slightly against his reassurances.
• “If anything I don’t praise you enough.” Kaeya raised an eyebrow. “And if you don’t start believing in your abilities I swear to Barbatos I will invent a self-confidence regime just for you.”
• “Please no!” You let out a gasp of mock horror. Kaeya let out a chuckle, something you reciprocated. The darkness around you was still terrifying. You still had the urge to run, to cower, to close your eyes and prey it was a dream. But you were going to be alright. Just like Kaeya said, you were going to be alright.
• Breathing in deeply you let out a sigh before continuing your way forwards once more. Kaeya followed suit, hand never leaving yours.
• It’d be alright, it’d be alright.

Xiao

• As much as you adored Xiao with all your heart, you did admit that the adeptus was one of the clingiest souls you’d ever met, as well as one of the most protective.
• Not that you minded it, in fact you relished that Xiao had begun looking out for you, arm draped around your shoulder, gaze scanning for any dangers that might abound. To you it marked a turning point in your relationship when Xiao began acting such a way. It meant that you’d truly gained his trust, and that he was now going to look out for your wellbeing just as you were always looking after his.
• Unfortunately Xiao’s urge to fight anything and everything that ever made you uncomfortable, while endearing, could sometimes spiral out of control a bit. And that was why you’d never told him you were afraid of the dark.
• I mean you were an adventurer, someone whose career was marked within the parameters of discomfort and danger. Although darkness was something that truly terrified you, the thought of not performing your job was much worse. And you knew that if Xiao caught whiff of your fears he’d either try to stop you from going outside at night, or he’d never leave you alone when you were on commission, especially a long one. Both of those options obviously weren’t going to be very good for your career.
• So you’d said nothing, hiding your secret as best you could. Thankfully Xiao seemed not to notice, although that was most likely luck more than anything else. Xiao’s involvement in your adventures was minimal at best after all. Partially out of disinterest, partially out of a need to avoid humans as much as possible, partially because it was your realm in some ways, not his. So he never saw the sleepless nights when you camped out in caverns or under the vast stone forest of Huaguang, never saw the way you trembled pathetically as you made your way through various ruins. He never saw how deeply afraid you were of the dark and you were grateful for it.
• Besides the Wangshu Inn had long ago become a place of comfort for you, somewhere safe from the trials and tribulations of the rest of the world. You didn’t want it marred with anxiety, and you didn’t want to add more to Xiao’s burden, for the idea of doing so haunted you, even more so than the idea of him becoming a bit more protective.
• It was a late evening at the Inn, but you didn’t mind it. Your time with Xiao was precious, and more than worth a little bit of sleep deprivation. The two of you were reading a book of folktales native to Liyue together, or rather Xiao was reading them while you listened. You loved listening to Xiao read. His voice always took on a softer cadence, and for a moment he seemed to shed all his worries and his fears, his eternal burden. He’d pause every once in a while after a particular passage, sometimes to smile down at you, cuddled against his chest, sometimes to point out an inaccuracy, or to embellish a minor detail. It amazed you, how much he knew of the world, of the country that was Liyue. Although he never boasted about it, often demurring that Rex Lapis knew far more than he did, you still secretly thought he was one of the greatest storytellers you knew. Listening to him was like being floated along by a gust of air, looking down from the sky to the world of the past.
• And then the lights cut out.
• The suddenness had immediately brought on panic, and you stiffened in his arms. Chest heaving you quickly began to hyperventilate, as your mind was filled with fear. Although usually you managed to push your anxiety down the abrupt nature of what had happened completely destroyed that ability, and you found wave after wave of panic washing over you. It was so dark, why was it so dark?
• “My love? My love, are you alright?” Xiao’s voice was full of nervousness, and as your eyes adjusted you noticed the look of abject horror plastered across his face. Slowly sitting you up he disconnected himself from you slightly as to give you space, although a hand still remained lightly touching your shoulder.
• “Xiao…” your voice was high pitched and shaky, and you found your eyes struggling to retain focus as a lightheadedness passed over you. “Xiao, I can’t breathe.”
• “Focus on me my love. Focus on my voice. It’ll be alright, just breathe. I know it’s difficult right now, but just breathe. The panic will subside, I promise. For now just focus on breathing.”
• You followed his promptings as best you could, gasps of air slowly melting into sighs, and then leveling out some more. Xiao nodded as you managed to calm yourself down, though you noticed he wasn’t smiling. Instead the expression of worry seemed to linger on his face as he assured you that you’d be alright.
• “Thank you.” You finally managed to get out. Xiao nodded, relief finally breaking across his face. He opened his arms slightly and you gladly embraced him, happy to feel his presence. You knew that you were probably hanging on to him slightly, but he didn’t seem to mind, instead returning the hug gladly.
• “It’ll be alright now. It’ll be alright,” he repeated over and over. Finally you two disconnected and Xiao glanced towards the door to the room. “I’ll go ask what happened. Do you want a glass of water?”
• “Yes.” You nodded, thankful for his consideration. Replying with a faint “I’ll return in a moment” Xiao stood up and exited the room.
• As soon as he did the embarrassment hit you like a ton of bricks. Oh. Oh no. You’d blown it. You’d just revealed your secret to Xiao in the most dramatic and jarring way possible. Burying your head in your hands you let out a groan of frustration. There was no avoiding it now. He knew. The most powerful adeptus in Liyue now knew that his partner was deathly afraid of the dark. You didn’t know what was worse, your embarrassment, or your knowledge that you were now going to have to talk him out of accompanying you on every expedition longer than a couple of hours.
• Finally Xiao returned, bearing a glass of water, which you drank gladly. All the while you could feel his eyes trained on you, as if searching for any and all signs that you might panic again. A part of your mind pointed out that you should’ve told him before, but you shoved that away. No point in thinking about that now.
• As if reading your mind Xiao spoke up the moment you’d finished drinking the water. “Why didn’t you tell me?” There was nothing defensive in his tone, if anything he sounded a bit hurt, and more than slightly alarmed. A twinge of guilt ran through you. You had never considered the fact that he might take it as a sign of mistrust.
• “I didn’t want you to burden yourself with it,” you replied, “I didn’t want you worried every time I went out on commission, or cause you to make yourself accompany me. I didn’t want you to have to think about it every evening or any time we went to a cavern or some such thing.”
• “It must’ve been difficult to hide all the time.” Xiao commented, expression thoughtful, You were glad that he was seriously considering what you were saying, and your heart rate leveled a bit at his replying. You smiled softly shaking your head.
• “This place, this inn, it’s my island. I’ve always felt safe here; so it wasn’t difficult at all, not while I was with you.”
• “And on your commissions?”
• “An adventurer’s job isn’t necessarily a comfortable one. Besides, I expect it then. It’s easier to ignore when you can predict it.”
• “I see.” Xiao let out a sigh. “I wish you’d told me still. You aren’t burdening me, I want to know when you’re feeling panicked, I want to help you.”
• “And you do. You just proved it. Without you, well who knows how long it’d take me to recover from that panic attack. Don’t doubt that you’re absolutely helping me.”
• “And when you’re on your expeditions?”
• “You can’t very well follow me everywhere I go,” you laughed slightly, going to cup Xiao’s cheek, “I appreciate it my darling, I really do. But I don’t want to make you uncomfortable either. I know that being around the other adventurers would be torturous for you. And besides, I want to stand on my own two feet. I’m grateful you care for me, so grateful and so happy. And I also want to do anything and everything for you. But we both must stand by ourselves sometimes. Everyone has things they must deal with on a personal level.”
• “So what can I do?”
• “Just be as you are now,” you smiled softly, “and don’t drive yourself mad worrying about me. I couldn’t stand it. As long as I know you’re waiting for me, I’ll never feel the dark too much. And I’ll know if something like this ever happens, you’ll be there to help me.”
• “Always.” Xiao replied solemnly, kissing the palm of your hand. For a moment you two said nothing, all thoughts and fears having been replaced by the atmosphere surrounding the two of you.
• Eventually however the darkness started creeping back into your mind and you found yourself a bit shaky again. Noticing this immediately Xiao leaned forward slightly.
• “Want to go outside for a bit?” You nodded, and let him guide you slightly towards the balcony.
• It was a beautiful evening, all things considered. The air was cool, but not so much as to chase you back inside. The moon cast a silvery light over the landscape, and in the background you could hear the distant voices of the rest of the Inn residents and guests, presumably discussing the source of the sudden blackout.
• “The stars are beautiful tonight.” Xiao murmured. You looked up, and for a moment your breath was stolen away. It was difficult in the city to see the stars, or at least see more than three grouped together. But out here the sky seemed positively lit up, as stars of all shapes and sizes darted the sky. It was beautiful, and you chided yourself for never having truly noticed them before.
• “It’s lovely.” You breathed out, smiling at Xiao. Although Xiao didn’t smile back the warmth that had disappeared finally entered his eyes, and his entire expression relaxed.
• “It is,” he gazed upwards once more, “those stars are always looking out for us. It is said that they are the spirits of all the archons and adepti of the past, watching over the world once more.” Xiao reached his hand out, and immediately you linked your fingers together. His palm was dry and warm, familiar and comforting. You loved holding his hand, such a simple action, but so comforting you couldn’t help but feel a swell of love every time you saw your fingers intertwined. “The stars are watching over us,” he continued, “I’m sure they’re watching over you when you go away. It’s what I tell myself when I worry. That there are those watching over you, and they will guide you home, no matter what.”
• “They will.” You affirmed, leaning towards him. “I know they will.”
• “I’ll never stop worrying,” Xiao sighed slightly, “it’s impossible. In all my millennia of existence I’ve never loved anything or anyone as I love you. I love you more than I love the land and the duty I’ve been tied to. I will never not be afraid every time you leave. But as long as there are stars in the sky and as long as there is the call to adventure in your heart I will trust in the archons. So please don’t keep anything from me, that will only make me more afraid than if you told me everything.”
• “Then I won’t hide my worries from you again,” you promised softly, “but only if you tell me when it becomes too much.”
• “Never.” Xiao promised. Leaning in to kiss you he sighed against your lips, a sigh of contentment, of peace. “You will never burden me, so long as you live. And I will never stop caring for you.”
• Up above the stars kept their silent vigil. But on the balcony of the Inn there was no more fear or worry. Only the promise of those who love one another.

Zhongli

• Zhongli tried to understand. He really did try. Humans were an enigma to him more than half the time, but it didn’t mean he didn’t want to understand them and empathize with them. Didn’t mean he didn’t want to understand and empathize with you.
• However one of the side effects of being an immortal archon and subsequently a god was that fear largely became an alien, detached sort of feeling.
• As Rex Lapis Zhongli had only cared and worried over the fate of Liyue, of the citizens to whom he owed his protection. It was a disconnected sort of fear, and one that had faded somewhat as the centuries passed and humanity continued to grow. Even when the old gods threatened to rise up from the sea the fear he’d felt hadn’t been at all personal. So to him something so deeply frightening that it could cripple one’s thinking and cloud one’s brain was completely and utterly alien.
• As was how to comfort said person.
• You’d told Zhongli about your fear early enough on. Zhongli enjoyed walking along the docks of Liyue in the late evening, and though you also enjoyed the time spent with him the whole matter made you more than a bit nervous.
• When you’d confided in him that the dark made you fearful he’d paused for a second, and you could’ve sworn you’d seen the gears turning in his brain, as he desperately tried to figure out what to say.
• “Don’t be afraid darling one,” he finally settled on, “there’s nothing in the dark. Besides, one shouldn’t be afraid of the night. After all if something were truly there it wouldn’t be any less scary in the daytime.”
• The urge to throttle him had been there, and it took almost all of your self-control not to let out a slight scream of frustration. But you knew he meant well, in his own peculiar way. There were many odd sorts of things about Zhongli after all, and you could hardly fault him for not truly understanding how you felt. Still that moment had cemented to you that you never wanted him to watch your fears in action. Ever.
• Unfortunately easier said than done, and though you’d been utterly serious in that promise to yourself, you were also in the habit of underestimated how easily frightened you were sometimes. So on the first night you stayed with Zhongli you didn’t think about how the unfamiliar environment would affect your anxiety.
• Everything had gone well at first, scratch that everything had been absolutely heavenly. There was something so intimate about seeing Zhongli in the place in which he was most comfortable, something so lovely about seeing him point out this vase that he’d procured from a warrior of long ago, or that inkstone which had been one of the first imports of Liyue. His rooms were absolutely crammed with this and that, some things seeming of incredible value, others something that would be sold for no more than a few mora at a flea market. Still every one of them had a story, and you passed the night away in utter contentment, as he explained to you the history and meaning behind as much of them as possible.
• The unfamiliarity of your surroundings hadn’t truly registered until you’d woken up in the middle of the night. Although Zhongli’s soft embrace around you was comforting, the masks and figures and paintings that dotted the walls and the shelves seemed to stare down at you with empty eyes, and in the dark you could almost see their mouths move, or their eyes widen. It was supremely unnerving, and you found your breathing speeding up slightly. For a moment you lay there, eyes wide open, paralyzed by your fear. But you needed to get a drink of water, and soon your thirst outweighed your panic. Besides, maybe it’d be better in a place like the restroom or the kitchen.
• Feeling your way down the hall you made it a point to look straight ahead, ignoring the various frames dotting the walls. You didn’t want to turn the lamps on. Not only were you unsure of where exactly they were, but you knew Zhongli, who didn’t sleep usually anyways, was something of a light sleeper. Waking him up seemed somehow shameful, so you focused on the task at hand, all the while suppressing the slight paranoia bubbling up inside you.
• The kitchen was slightly lighter than the halfway had been, mainly due to the large windows it sported on one side. Grabbing some water you let out a sigh. You wished that you didn’t have such a stupid fear, or that it didn’t rear its head on nights like tonight. Tonight was special after all, and you didn’t want it marred by something so silly or so useless.
• Unfortunately luck wasn’t on your side. The sudden sound of footsteps caused you to jump, and to your horror the glass in your hand slipped in the process. There was an ugly shattering sound as it hit the ground, and you froze, unable to see exactly where the shards were.
• “Dear one?” Zhongli’s familiar voice was soft and steady, although there was concern laced within in. The lights suddenly turned on and you shifted slightly, turning to face your partner. “Don’t move.” Zhongli’s voice was soft but stern, and you made no try to step away as he walked towards you. Grabbing a towel he crouched down, picking up the pieces of glass that had fallen this way and that. The floor had been glossed over with a sort of finish, which made even the smaller pieces easier to pick up.
• “There,” Zhongli said after a few moments, turning and disposing of the now shattered glass, “you mustn’t hurt yourself.”
• “Zhongli, I’m so sorry,” your voice was creaky, and you found the urge to cry bubbling up inside of you. Everything seemed too overwhelming at the moment, and shame mixed with fear as you stared at the floor. “I woke you up and I broke your cup. I’m so sorry.”
• Zhongli walked back over towards you, giving you a comforting hug, something you quickly reciprocated. “It’s alright my darling,” he murmured, “you have nothing to apologize for. I was merely worried about you, since you need your rest more than I do. And I should’ve been more considerate. I forgot you see. I forgot you’re afraid of the dark.”
• “I’m so stupid,” you whispered, still feeling slightly hysterical. You were so tired and so embarrassed, and your anxiety still hadn’t quite left you.
• “Don’t say that darling one, you aren’t stupid at all. I was the one who wasn’t paying attention to your needs. Forgive me for that. I should’ve realized it would’ve been different to sleep over. I wasn’t thinking.”
• “You don’t need to apologize.” You replied, after all, when had Zhongli ever been anything but a perfect gentleman? It was you who seemed to be messing everything up.
• “But I want to,” Zhongli’s voice was soothing, melodious in nature and mellow in tone, “and you ought not to apologize my dearest one. You tried to explain to me after all, that you were afraid of the dark. I’m afraid I didn’t take it as seriously as I ought to have. And you cannot blame yourself for something you can’t control. Fear isn’t something you choose to feel after all. So don’t feel you’ve ruined anything. I’m only glad you didn’t cut yourself.”
• Still you wanted to apologize, though for what you were no longer quite sure of. Perhaps it was just your embarrassment. What Zhongli had said wasn’t particularly enlightening or inspired. And yet he still knew what you were feeling, was still trying to make you as comfortable as possible. Even if he didn’t understand exactly how you felt, or why you acted as you did, he still cared for you. Your feelings subsided for a moment, and you nuzzled into his chest.
• “What would I do without you.” You whispered, though you weren’t really asking a question.
• “You’d do fine,” there was a smile in Zhongli’s voice, “but I’m always glad to be here to help you, to be by your side. That is all I could ask for in life.”
• “Zhongli?”
• “Yes?”
• “I love you.”
• “I love you too.”
• Of that you never doubted.